I hate this.

I don't understand. I can't comprehend this horrible thing that happens to people every single day. Sure, I know the Christian answer about how Eve screwed up and Adam watched and now this thing happens. I know the story. But I don't get it. I can't understand that I won't see her when I get home. That she won't smile and wave at me anymore. That this horrible thing robs people of their dearest friends and family.

I hear that there's hope, and that I'll see her again in eternity. But I don't get eternity...and so I don't get the hope...the hope is incomprehensible, and thus, isn't comforting at the moment. She's still gone, and it's hard for me to believe sometimes that this thing I believe is good enough.

What is death? What is it like? What happens right after? What is a soul? Is there such a thing? Why is everything abstract? I see visions and dream dreams, I hear the Lord clearly...but this is the thing that I hate. This unknown, tragic, and scary thing that always happens. This thing that carries with it no joy. It makes you lonely. It makes you hurt. It makes you feel guilty.

I counted on her being there when I got home. I counted on her being at my wedding. She was so good when I left, and in just a few short days everything crashed and she was whisked away. I don't sound very Godly at the moment. But I can't comprehend death and I get tired of people throwing out "hope" to make us feel better about it.

I think the point is this: I know I'll see her again...but that realization is not in the least comforting right now.

Of Ten Balloons

This week was pitiful. I got rather hammered emotionally...Old battles came back to haunt me and it got rather exhausting. So my awesome roommate, Lizzie, took me out and we bought 10 balloons.

On each of which I wrote a lie I had believed,

and then one by one...

I let them go.

And claimed the truth...

...and walked away in freedom.