Of Wounds

I don’t know why it hurt so much this time around.  It’s happened before.  Maybe because I’ve been through hell and back then shamed for my “actions.”  Maybe because unless you’ve walked through it your thinking is bound to be only one dimensional.  Flat dimensions hurt people because they don’t allow room for understanding and empathy.  

There is, I think, a distinction in the love I have and the lust I was subjected to.  And yet they think one begets the other.  But even if there isn’t a distinction, I don’t think anything but beauty comes from ashes.  Don’t call this pearl trash because of the wound from which it comes.  Maybe they are swine and I shouldn’t have shown them in the first place.    

But anyway, this pain is exponentially worse than before.  In between panic attacks it aches in such a physical way as I’ve never known it to ache.  Like a gaping, bleeding, festering, rawness.  I can’t even describe to you the pain.  But I often hold my hand over it and weep, each pump pushing the tears out in a steady rhythm, as if the pain could be pumped out from my eyes.  Afterwards I’m sore from all the pumping.  And it feels like I ran a race and it is still trying to slow down.  Sometimes after climbing the stairs I need to sit down because this feeling in the physical and emotional combined makes me feel like I might faint.  

I think it’s getting better.  It started with moments.  Moments where I felt normal, not even peaceful, just normal.  Moments when I could smile.  Laughing made me feel like passing out.  And once I started I couldn’t control it and it would take over in hysteria and eventually become tears.

The moments slowly got longer.  Until they became days.  Some days I feel it four or five times for fifteen minutes at a time.  Some days I only feel it once.  Sometimes Jesus kisses me on the cheek and says, “We’re gonna get you healed.”  One time He said, “You need to be gracious with yourself.”  Then I began to be able to see people again.  In between the moments of fear and pain I could start to love again slowly.  

And I realized that sometimes there is peace that passes all understanding, and sometimes I just need to forgive myself for feeling terrible.  I can lay down and not perform and not talk and not be nice and not go to things I’m supposed to because I need to feel like shit for a minute.  I had to let go of the expectations I had for myself, so I could stop being a disappointment to myself.  And then I could realize that I’m not a disappointment to Him.

Then when I just allow myself the grace to feel it, I don’t.  

Of Unity

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who has helped support me on this grand adventure of mine.  I have almost raised all of my tuition funds, which means I get to stay in the program.  Yay!  Thank you all so much.

This week in lecture phase we are learning about worldview.  I have been around the block on this subject, having had lots of and lots of worldview training.  I expected to be a little bored.  False.  I have never heard world view taught in such a fascinating, intelligent, well-rounded, and freeing way.

Our speaker is named Joseph...Something...and he is Armenian.  (Shout out to Marissa and Reaber, you all have the same nose.  Jk.)  He speaks seven languages and has lived all over the world.  He is probably the smartest person I've ever come into contact with and I have the utmost respect for him.

The problem with the worldview classes I've taken in the past is that they are decidedly western.  I compared it to being taught one side of a rubix cube.  Having lived almost everywhere, Joseph is well aquainted with many different cultures and many different worldviews.

When thinking about our worldview we have to understand that the way we see things is largely cultural.  So our view of God is reflective of, and limited to our environment.  Worldview is so much more than answering the questions, which religion is the right one, and what is the proper social order according the gospel.  

Culture is very very very important.  A friend of mine told me that if I encountered someone on my trip who finds God in a coconut, to let them be, and don't burst their bubble by telling them He's not there.  Actually He probably is there, and He loves that person so much He died for them.  So if singing into a coconut connects his/her heart to their creator...swell.  

The beautiful thing about Christianity is that it has been (until recently) trascendant of culture.  You can love Jesus in a way that is culturally revelent to you.  In fact, He put you there, He created your culture and He likes it.  We are losing sight of that kind of thinking and beginning to say that everyone has to do things just like us.  This is incredibly damaging.  

We discussed, also the various splits in church history.  There are so many it's kind of laughable.  We discussed how, in the name of Jesus, tragic atrosities were performed against people and whole people groups.  By saying you are a Christian you carry with that name two thousand years of baggage brought on by the church.  And we wonder why people want nothing to do with Him.   

We are being challenged this week to look at God outside of our cultural lens, and ask Him to reveal to us his true nature.  He is a personal God, He has feelings and emotions and He loves all of His creation so so dearly.  We are being challenged to set aside our theological differences and focus on the things that are close to the heart of God.  

It would be a beautiful marriage of diversity and unity.  What would it look like?  Well, following the words of Jesus.  Laying down your rights, your opinions, your pride, opening your ears, asking for His eyes, and walking in a place of servanthood and love.  It's not about being right.  It's about celebrating differences and bringing glory to God through them.  It's by being in a relationship with God, which is the reason we were created in the first place. 

  

So also I should mention that I'm going to Fiji and the Line Islands for outreach.  They include Christmas Island, Washington Island, and one more I'm forgetting.  But I'll fly into Fiji, then fly to Christmas Island, then sail to the other islands before flying home.  I'm stoked!

Of Crunch Time

So I'm gonna just be very honest and vulnerable.  I need $2525 by Thursday or I have to go home.
If you feel led to help you can give here:
http://ywamships.net/give/

Thanks guys.

Of Creative Roommates

My roommate Alyssa made a very informational and entertaining video.  Check out how rad this place is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XTsGsMUqo0&feature=share&list=UUEyLXFYmD2clf_wpfyfXZCA

Of Laughter, Tears, and the Father Heart of God

A DTS is not for the faint of heart.  During my first three weeks in Kona I felt like a fish out of water.  Then right as I was suffocating and begging God to let me go home, he showed me that I don’t have gills.  And that I’m not even a fish.  And that all I had to do was breathe.  Oh right.  

They waste no time in a DTS.  Week one they break you down to your core and strip the walls and layers you’ve so carefully built over the years to protect yourself until you are a puddle of tears and bleeding wounds in front of your entire class.  Then, when you think you’re done for, God reminds you of who you are and how much you are loved.  

Then you walk around all raw and new and you learn how to laugh again.

Day one as I wept during worship, He said, “I want you to call me Abba.”  I said it out loud.  Something broke.  Romans 8:14-16 “For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God.  For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba!  Father!’ The spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God.”  Yeah.  So own it, walk it out in freedom.

Most helpful with this laughing business are my roommates.  Helga, Alyssa, and Helen.  I like Helga alot cause she is Norwegian, merciful, goofy, and always down for an adventure.  I like Alyssa alot cause she plays ukulele, talks about God, and is learning how to be a sailor.  Helen’s pretty legit cause she quite a cool job as a fashion designer in Brazil to come rough it with three other girls who don’t particularly like to shower or pay to do laundry.  Other than an exciting brush with maggots, our room is relatively clean. 

We have one on one mentors, and that’s a good thing on account of they come up to your room to pray for you when you can’t get out of bed cause you’re too afraid of everything.  Mine is named Neko and she's from Germany.  She has awesome hair and a legit accent.  

I have developed a new morning routine.  Coffee in my mug and two hard boiled eggs.  Unless they don't have eggs and unless there are bugs in my mug.  Then it's toast and a paper cup.  Then "ship shape," which is what our morning chores are called.

We live in a vintage hotel in the heart of downtown Kona with an ocean view from our front deck.  The Iron man triathalon just happend in our front yard.  I fell asleep to the music of "...YOU! ARE! AN IRON MAN!" Till one in the morning.  But it was amazing.

We have class from 8 to 11 and then again 1 to 3.  Then we have a work duty from 3-5.  I most recently have demolished a room.  

Things that I really need prayer for:  

My insurance company decided to reject me for "pre-existing conditions."  Which is weird cause I'm pretty darn healthy.  Also, it's probably cause America is silly.  I love living with people from other countries.  Puts us in perspective.  Not a good perspective.  I can't get insurance and I'm a healthy 27 year old.  

I also need a lot more financial support.  If you feel so led, here is where you can give: http://ywamships.net/give/ 

Of Rude Awakenings, Pre-trip Jitters, and Fear

I was in that stage of sleep where you see things in your dreams that you are actually hearing in the real world.  "I was following the...I was following the...I was following the..."

The letter "I" was punching across my brain like in Sesame Street when I abruptly awoke and realized that Fleet Foxes was utterly failing to wake up my little sister for school.  Again.  I hate that song.

"Jillian."
"What?"

I like that she can answer my question but not turn off her alarm.

"Turn off your alarm!"
"Oh."

And snooze.  This scene repeats five times, and I have a strong urge to punch a baby.  Or maybe just Jillian.

I have been living with my parents for the three weeks prior to shoving off and fulfilling my lifelong dream of being Pippy Longstocking aboard a ship.  My family listens to talk radio which makes me feel like my nerves are on top of my skin when I'm awake.  So you can imagine how it makes me feel at 6:30 in the morning when I'm being awakened by a band that uses far too much reverb.  My inner four year old emerged in full glory and I indulged in a first class temper tantrum.

I lept from my bed, ran down the hall and slammed my parents bedroom door where Armstrong and Ghetty were screeching about another pop culture scandal.  Next, I stumbled to the other end of the house where precious little Jessica was listening to Enya as she got ready for school.  I pounded excedrine for my rapidly developing migraine.

"Goodmorning Christine!"
"You people are the WORST!"

Stummbled back to the the pink and purple spectacle of a bedroom I now share with Jill.  Hi I'm 27 and I share a room with my little sister in my parents house.  I like to tell people I'm passing through.

"Jillian get out of bed."
"Why?"
Because you set your alarm!  So that logically means you need get up.  Otherwise, why the hell did you set it?"
"It's on snooze!"
"You people are the WORST!"

Thirty minutes later the house has been evacuated and all is silent.  But I pounded two pills of caffeine and so the silence is rather pointless now.

My four year old self goes back into her cave and my thoughts turn to six days from now.  Living on my own has made me spoiled.  I like to have my own room and wake up how I want to.  But I'm going to go live, first in a small dorm room with at least one other person, if not six.  Then, move on to an even smaller ship and live there for eight weeks.  Why am I doing this again?

Oh God, what if I change?  What if I don't change?  What if I sink??  My alarm goes off.
"Tomorrow's freedom is today's surrender..."

"What would you like me to surrender?"  I dread the response, but I have to ask.
"Your fear."
"Oh.  Well yeah ok.  That's good.  Let's do that."

The Holy Spirit sits on my chest and His peace takes over.

"I didn't surrender yet."
"You are my child.  I have chosen you, and my presence is always here for you to enjoy.  Also, you're not gonna sink."
"I should probably text Jessica and tell her goodmorning."






In six days I leave for Hawaii.  If you would like to support me on this adventure, you can give at http://ywamships.net/give/.  Also, much prayer would be appreciated...for my future roommates...as I am prone to be grumpy first thing in the morning.
 

This is Kind of a Big Deal

So this is my support letter for my mission trip.  There are some very important changes in here regarding how to support me, so if you received a hard copy of my letter and want to support me please read this instead of your hard copy!

Dear Family and Friends,

The Lord has blessed me with an exciting opportunity to attend Youth With a Mission’s Discipleship Training School (YWAM-DTS) in Kona, Hawaii.

YWAM is an international mission organization whose goal is to train and equip believers so that they may fulfill their part in the Great Commission. There are training schools at various locations all over the world. The goal of the DTS is to train believers both spiritually and culturally; to grow in their relationship with Christ; to learn to hear His voice; and to follow His lead in spreading His love everywhere they minister throughout the world.

YWAM further believes that part of showing Christ’s love is accomplished in a more meaningful way by helping to meet the physical needs of the people encountered. My specific training will be in two different phases:  1. An onsite training at the DTS, and 2. An outreach period in which we will be applying what we have learned. 

I am most excited about the outreach portion because it takes place on a ship that transports medicines and other needed supplies to people living on remote islands or areas of the world that can only be reached by boat.  I am prayerfully considering the location in which I feel the Lord is leading me to serve during this training portion of my ministry.

This three month long ministry adventure is a dream come true for me.  I have three things I’m passionate about: Jesus, people, and the sea. I’m so excited to have the opportunity to combine all three of these passions into one amazing opportunity.  In this season, I feel that the Lord is opening the door and inviting me to take a wild adventure with Him. In order to do this I will need some support.

First, I will need partners who will pray with me. Some of my specific prayer requests include the following:

1. That I would have no fears about traveling,
2. For good health which includes spiritual, emotional, and physical protection,
3. For intense spiritual growth and communication with God,
4. That our team of workers will be focused on Jesus and that His light will shine through us, and
5. That decisions will be made for Christ.

Secondly, I need to raise my own funds for the trip.  So, I humbly ask for your prayerful financial support.  If the Lord leads you to give, no matter what the amount might be, please make checks out to the YWAM Ships OC and send them to my home address: 3164 Willow Bend Dr. Chico, CA 95973.  There are two options for donations.  You can either support the schooling portion of my trip, or the outreach portion.  If you desire to fund the outreach portion, please write Q42013DTS-OR in the left hand corner of the check. Also, only the outreach donations are tax deductable, so if you are giving for the outreach portion, you can include a separte note stating that your donation is for the outreach portion.  You can also pay on line at http://ywamships.net/give/ which is probabaly the easiest way to pay.

Whether you choose to support me spiritually and/or financially, I sincerely thank you. May our Lord richly bless you. 

In Christ,

Christine Goddard